Life is like a roller coaster

Life always goes up and down; some times more than others. This week have been both high and low.

The high this week was a call I got about a job in a bookstore. A possible job!

The low was also about the job in the bookstore. I will probably not be able to get it because of current job. I’m on a sickleave from current job; I am still currently struggeling with a depression, and my current job isn’t making it any better. Since I’m still on a sickleave and only work 60% (I have a 100% job), I can’t take on a new job as long as that situation is what it is.

Partly due to my depression I tend to focus on the bad side of things; which sucks! So I got very upset when I realised that I wouldn’t be able to work that job until august, and by then the boss will probably have found someone else because I’m sure she will need someone there for the summer months.

What I should focus on is that from august I am no longer affiliated with current job, and then I will be free to work in that bookstore.

I really like the idea of working in that bookstore; I know they will be great co-workers. That, and the fact that I would be working with sales and books is the reasons I would love to work at that store. On monday I have a meeting with the boss, and will keep my fingers crossed that she is willing to wait until august and let me have a little job then.

So that is the biggest roller coaster of my life this week; what is your roller coaster this week?

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Job applications

That’s is what I’m focusing on these days. I’m trying to find jobs that I find interesting that I would like to work with – therefor I apply.

I still haven’t figured out just what I want to do, but I know I will need a job come august. Or, maybe I will have an extra long break and not start working until september? Like an extended vacation? Travel somewhere?

To bad I am to scared to travel alone, and with little money coming in, that would be hard anyway. On the other hand, things have a way of working out – I just have to believe it will.

So many places online I keep hearing about online business and online entrepreneurs and motivators and people that blog and speak and write for a living; that sounds so appealing to me. The fact that many of them make a desent living out of it; they are their own boss and get to choose when to work, – it all sounds like things I would enjoy very much. The challenge I feel like I’m facing is I am not sure where to start, or what I would like to focus on.

Motivating and encourage others, in combination with inspiring and helping people, fascinates me. I keep hearing about coaches and I find myself drawn to that aspect of a lot of things. Maybe I could be a coach? The challenge is that I don’t know how to go about that. Or, I have done some research – I could become a coach, but that would require about three years of full time school – something I can’t afford because I have bills to pay. I could save up money though – so there is always an alternative.

For now: writing job applications.

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What will I do now?

I resigned from my job on friday. It was scary, but good at the same time. It felt like the right thing to do, and it still does two days later.

The new question arises: what will I do now? I need to have a job because I need an income. After all, I have bills to pay. Which means I have about three months to find a new job. Finding a new job might be hard or easy, or a little bit of both. The bigger question for me is what job do I really want?

What do I want to do with my life? That is a BIG question I haven’t found the answer to (yet). What do I want to do for a living?

I don’t remember where I found the quote, but here it is:

Passion is not a plan; it’s a feeling – and feelings change.

I can relate to this quote; I’ve changed the last year. Or, I keep changing all the time – we all do, but I have struggled the past year and therefor also learnt a lot about myself. All that learning seem to have led to changes in me. I want to live an intentional life with purpose. I want a direction. I want to make a difference for the better in someones life. I want to motivate and inspire people.

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking that maybe I shouldn’t try to find my dreamjob, but rather figure out what I’m good at and possible work with something like that. I mean, who doesn’t want to work with something they are good at? The feeling of achieving a goal of some sort it a pretty good feeling.

So, what am I good at?

  • organizing and planning
  • writing (at least I like to think so)
  • convey/talk about books
  • personal finance (at least my own finances)

I’m sure there are more things I’m good at, but these were the ones that popped into my head first.

How do I figure out what to do based on what I’m good at? That is something I have yet to answer, but I better figure something out soon…

Feel free to make suggestions; I’ll need all the help I can get 🙂

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What have I done??

I’ve been back and forth about something for quite a while now. Today I took action and did something that scares me a lot. I resigned. I have a 100% job with jobsecurity.

Though I should probably say had at this point. I will stay at the job for three more months because that’s what my contract says. After that, I don’t have a job – that is terrifying!

What have I done to myself? A steady job gives financial security. I haven’t got another job yet, so from august I’m unemployed – and I did that to myself. Am I crazy?

It might seem like it, but even though it’s scary as hell I don’t think so. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and while I would have like to have another job before I quit, I didn’t/couldn’t wait any longer. A lot of my depression is tied to my current job, and even though I’ve gotten better I could feel myself slipping into darkness again. That dark place was scarier than unemployment and financial unstability – meaning it was scary as fuck! So I made the decision the best I could. I thought about the pros and cons of everyhing I could think of and then I made my decision.

After I made the decision I feel better. And I’ve also read to books and a comic – something I haven’t done in a while because I’ve been in a dark place. Things are looking brighter, so now I just need a new job so that I will continue to get a paycheck every month.

I’m not sorry if you think this got a little dark for a moment (because it’s true), but to me this is light; this is hope; this is life.

I hope you’re having a good day and weekend!

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New week, new opportunities

Last week ended both on the good and the bad for me.

The bad is that they didn’t call from the job I was interviewed for, meaning – I didn’t get it. Which sucked because I really wanted that job. But, you know, that is life for you sometimes (or, for me in this case).

The good was that the weekend – saturday and sunday was good days. I got up early, went for a long walk, did things around the house, read some and felt pretty good.

It’s now a new week and I have work later in the day. I want to stay hopeful and relaxed, but I’m currently vibrating on the inside (bad sign). So even though I want this to be a good day and a good week, I’m not sure if it will happen.

Thinking happy thoughts are hard when you have depression, but I’m trying. Hard. I keep thinking about the fact that I’ll be seeing my parents this week and we will have dinner together. I’m also going to visit a friend later this week, and she is easy to talk to, we get along great and I really enjoy spending my time with her. We might even work a bit in her yard – which is something I like doing.

And I just got a phonecall, that I got an appointment for careerguidence tomorrow. Good things to come in other words – focusing on that.

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A coincidence?

Sometimes things just fits for a moment.

I’ve been having a hard time for a while, no secret there. My books haven’t helped the way they used to. I used to be able to always loose myself in a book when the world and I didn’t get along. For a long time now, that hasn’t been the case.

Still, I was sitting on my couch, just thinking when I glanced at my bookshelf. I realised that about a year and a half ago I bought a book with the title And I darken. At that time I was going down a bad spiral but hadn’t quite realised it. The sequel to that book has the title Now I rise. That book was one I bought right before christmas but have yet to read.

I’m getting closer to reading the book Now I rise and I’m wondering if it really is a coincidence? I mean, this might sound weird but is the universe trying to tell me something? I have been getting better, but it will still take some time before I’m all good again.

Considering when I bought the two books, when I read the first one, and the fact that I’m getting closer to reading the second book… It just fits very well with my life and where I was and am in life. I mean, I not quite ready to read the book yet, but someday soon.

What do you turn to when you don’t get along with life?

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Today…

…was my job interview. I was really nervous, but I think I did okay. At least I hope that I did.

It’s always hard to tell in my opinion. Did they like me? Were they just polite? I mean, it seemed that we got along well, but they might get along well with the other people they were going to interview too.

For the job they had gotten a total of 97 (!) applications. They had chosen to interview six, and I was one of the six. Which is really good because that means that I was definitely amongst the top people, but there are still no garanties.

Four of the other interviews were going to happen today, and the last will happen on friday. Meaning – I won’t know anything until next week. That’s going to be a long week…

I have applied for a couple of other jobs to, but this is the one that I want. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Are you waiting for anything at the moment?

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Job interview

I’m nervous!

I’ve applied for a job that I really want. It’s something I have never worked as before, but I am pretty sure I will do a really good job. The due-date for applications was friday before easter, so I had to wait a few days for any kind of answer. Mid-week easter the e-mail came – it was a totalt of 97 people that had applied!

Luckily, on thursday I got a call: I’m going to interview for the job on tuesday. I’m excited and nervous. What if I don’t get it? Then again, what if I do get it? I keep picturing myself accepting the job either later the same week or the week after, because the more I think about it the more I realise how much I really want the job.

I haven’t told a lot a people about it because I’m nervous. Which is why it makes so much sense to put it online right? Where technically everyone could possibly see it… I’ll admit, maybe, in a way a tiny part of me wants someone to figure it out and that will help me get the job? I don’t know, but I can always hope that it works 🙂

The room my parents helped me with at easter is mostly done, so I’ve been sitting there writing a few days already. It was a great change with the room, because now I’m actually using it!

Hope you have gotten some good news lately. They don’t have to be big, they just have to make you smile a little 🙂

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Easter is coming

I’ve started my easter vacation, partly because the library I’m currently at is closed.

If you don’t want to read me complaining skip this paragraph… After easter I’m back to working at the library I “belong” to. For about half a year I’ve been stationed at a different library and I’ve really liked it there. What I really want is to stay there, but I’m not allowed. While I understand a lot of the reasons I’m being moved back, I find it hard to accept the fact that I’m being moved back. The library I “belong” to is one unit in a section with three units. I got depression and anxiety while working at that library, so I have bad memories that I just can’t shake when I’m there. The unit I have been at for about half a year, I don’t have a problem there which is why I would like to stay there. End of frustration for now…

I got some pretty tulips from my coworker yesterday, and they will be gorgeous at easter.

My birthday is coming up, and I know just what I’m getting as a present from my parents: their time and help. I have a room in my house, a small bedroom, that I never use. In the next week my parents are going to help me re-do that room into an office. New wallpaper, get rid of the carpet and put laminate flooring instead. I can’t wait until it’s done and I can sit there and write. After all, I hope to one day soon write a book, so it is going to be nice to have a dedicated place to sit and write it.

I hope you have an amazing easter. If you don’t work; relax, take a deep breath and just chill for a while. If you work: do the same; make little pockets of time to just breathe and relax – everyone need it from time to time.

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Long time, no see…

Wow, it’s been a while. At least on this blog.

I stopped blogging on this site for several years. Am I going to start it up again? Honestly not quite sure, but I miss the english and i miss just randomly putting my thoughts out into the universe without many knowing who I am. At least I don’t think anyone I know in real life read what I put up here. There will definitely be a lot of text here. Kind of like an online diary maybe?

When I started this blog back in 2011 (!) I meant for it to be a place for books and other random thoughts. I started this blog not long after I had gotten a steady position as a librarian and I was loving it. These days I’m not so sure anymore. Things change. People change. Leadership change. Friends change. Interests change.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve changed. It’s not that hard to tell (at least I don’t think so). I sit on my couch thinking I wish I had continued with this blog, but made it more about life not only books.

It’s still winter outside, but the sun is slowly coming out and melting the snow. It’s pretty and it makes me long even more for spring.

That’s it for today, maybe I’ll be back some day soon, maybe not. I haven’t decided yet. It feels like my life is currently in sort of transition, and I’m not sure where I’ll end up. It’s scary. It’s exhilerating. It’s filled with uncertainty and promises. I’m not sure where I’m going or where I’ll end up, but somehow I will find a way.

If anyone is out there, I hope you find your way too!

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